31. March 2009 by Annette Colon-Alvarenga.

I received a call from a friend of mine earlier today. She is a little more than two months pregnant and had an appointment this morning with her OB/GYN. She told me that the doctor was checking the baby’s heartbeat and was told that she could not find its heartbeat. I immediately felt my heart sink into the pit of my stomach.

Five years ago today I found myself pregnant. I was absolutely thrilled. This, like my two previous pregnancies, was very much desired. I had some months previously surrendered my life to the Lord (this was six years after accepting Him as my savior) and I was on fire. I had attended a weekend women’s encounter that had completely transformed me. After that encounter weekend I committed my life to serving Christ. Where prior to that weekend I had prayed, “God, I want to have a baby.” I was now praying, “Lord, if it is your will, I desire another child.”

I was about nine weeks pregnant when my husband and I went in for a routine exam and ultrasound. Our then three year old son went with us. He wanted to see the baby on the “tv” (ultrasound). The doctor moved the wand around my belly and without mincing words said “I can’t seem to find the baby’s heartbeat.” I instantly dreaded the worst. The doctor ordered an ultrasound which confirmed that the baby was in fact no longer alive.

While my husband broke down like a baby, I was, as far as I was concerned, very strong in the matter. All that came to mind was Nehemiah 8:10 “Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength,” and James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

The days would pass and friends would call or come by reassuring me that “God is in control.” When they would ask how I was doing I would very matter-of-factly state, “It simply was not God’s will that I have this child. This was simply a test of my faith.” And I would smile and quote James 1:2-4. I would continue to carry my dead child for almost another week before I spontaneously aborted. As far as I was concerned, I had passed that test with flying colors.

You see, I had the misconception that having the “joy of the Lord” somehow required me to just suck-it-up. And isn’t that the message we get sometimes, that because we are Christians, when we face tribulation we are to continue praising God and basically just get over it (all the while keeping a smile on our faces.) While I was continually smiling and I continued to serve as if nothing happened, internally I was very angry with God. I questioned how a loving God would give you the desire of your heart and then just rip it away? No one had an answer for me (of course, I didn’t let anyone know how I was really feeling). All they could say is “don’t lose your joy.” One thing no one ever said to me was that it was okay to grieve the loss.

We, as messengers of the Good News need to take special precaution with how we deal with people who are going through crisis. It absolutely kills me when I hear other Christians deal with someone who is experiencing a loss or going through some very difficult time and speak to them as if they aren’t supposed to hurt. As if anything less than keeping a smile on your face or responding “blessed” when some asks how you are doing is not Christ-like. Joy has nothing to with that.

What is joy anyway? While “happiness” depends on what’s happening around you – your circumstances – joy is simply the knowledge of who God is and what He has done for us through His Son, Jesus. So, while a Christian’s happiness can disappear as circumstances change, joy allows a Christian to find satisfaction in whatever God gives them (or takes from them). Does that mean that a Christian who has the “joy of the Lord” is not supposed to grieve or hurt? Of course not.

So what did I say to my friend when she called? Absolutely nothing. I simply listened. I let her cry and express her fears and anger. I let her get it out of her system without giving her any “Christian” clichés. She did call me back later in the afternoon with some good news. She had a more advanced ultrasound done and, praise God, the baby is just fine, and now so is she.

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24. March 2009 by Annette Colon-Alvarenga.

The last couple of weeks my Pastor, Netz Gomez, has been preaching on the topic “Knowing Yourself.” The first Sunday he addressed the issue of detecting bitterness. Of course, my first reaction was, “good thing Pastor, because, you know, there are a lot of bitter people in church.” All was good until he began going through the 5 symptoms of bitterness. Ouch! 3 out of 5. I scored 3 out of 5 of the symptoms. How could that be? I am not bitter! Purely coincidence, I’m sure.

The next Sunday the issue was detecting pride. Okay, I knew I was in some trouble here before he even started, but I did not realize just how much trouble. Now, let’s not confuse things. I’ve never been a person who has despised or otherwise looked down on other people. That’s not the kind of pride I’m talking about. Rather, my issue with pride has been more about my independence and matters related to that (we won’t go into specifics). Then Pastor Netz gave us a verse of scripture that tore at my insides, Proverbs 16:5 - “Everyone proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD.”

An abomination! It couldn’t imagine anything worse than that. Now I had the task of some serious soul searching to get to the bottom of this. Thankfully, with the references given by Pastor Netz, it didn’t take too long to figure things out.

Okay, so I thought that I had forgiven some people in my past. After all, I’ve said the magic words, “I forgive _________.” I’ve even prayed for them and blessed them. Isn’t that what forgiveness entails? Yet, it seems that each time something happened related to a past incident, it’s as if a scab is pulled off of a wound that’s healing and I’m left bleeding again. Then I would begin the process of grieving and quickly cut it off lest I be seen in my weakness (there’s that nasty pride); and I suppress it all again, burying it even deeper each time.

What has been the result of this suppression over the years? Deep seeded resentment. Allowing resentment to build up prior to becoming a Christian is understandable – basically it is a matter of unforgiveness and a desire for vengeance. Yes, I said it, revenge. But how did I allow it to happen after I became a Christian? After all, aren’t Christian’s these loving and absolutely forgiving creatures (oops! I meant “new creations”)? Well, part of the resentment does in fact come from unforgiveness. But after digging just a little deeper, I believe it’s been more about ignoring what has happened; pretending as if it had no affect on me. Isn’t that what a lot of people do? – think that forgiving means just forgetting it happened. You know, you just go through the motions of saying the magical words, then bury the matter. The problem is that you bury it inside of you, way down deep.

Well, the real problem is probably not even in that you buried it, but rather the fact that it will manifest itself. And it has with me. Spiritual stagnation – you take three steps forward, then two back. Then there are the relational problems – you just can’t seem to trust anyone, not your pastors, or any other spiritual leader. You question their authority. You want to go at it - your spiritual walk - alone. Not that the Lord is not sufficient but you need to be able to talk to others, leaders and mentors at times to help you sort things out so that you can get through difficult times. The fact is that we were created for community/fellowship. There are the outbursts or overreaction to seemingly unimportant things or things that you should be able to deal with in a “mature” way (yeah, my leader and friend, Oti – she’s been on the receiving side of this from me and it ain’t pretty). There’s the cynicism and sarcasm. Here’s a good one: you think you are just fine. You do not have issues. And when the Pastor makes that altar call for ministration, you feel that nudge, you know, from the Holy Spirit telling you to step forward to the altar and you absolutely resist because you don’t care for anyone to know you need help (there’s that pride again!). You just blew off your opportunity for a breakthrough and healing.

What’s next? For me, the first step was admitting that much of my attitude, and I have much attitude, is a result of unresolved resentment and a problem with pride. I do know where the roots of these problems lie (and many roots there are). When you ask God to search your heart, be ready because He will and it could be painful. You may not like what he finds. I don’t know how long it will take to rid myself completely of these “issues,” but I understand I need to let them go, once and for all. I will do things intentionally to deal with these problems. If I can’t resolve them through prayer, counseling is an option (my pride struggles with even the thought of this).

Why have I taken the time to write about this in my blog? Because I know I am not the only one who struggles with these issues. I heard a pastor once say that we have a choice of two teachers – Wisdom and Consequences. With Wisdom we learn from other’s experiences – all it requires is discipline, obedience, consistency and time (it’s absolutely painless). With Consequences, we learn through our own painful experiences, real suffering. I’ve spent the last 30+ years with Consequences as my own personal teacher. Have I learned some lessons? Oh yes. But I’ll tell you, it has not been a fun learning experience. From this point forward, I choose Wisdom. If you are reading this and you can relate, it’s time for a definitive change.

p.s. I highly suggest for anyone who has the slightest clue that they need more information, that you obtain these two teachings from Pastor Netz Gomez. Did I mention they were in Spanish? It’s worth getting a translator. You can order CD’s - “Conociendote A Ti Mismo” through Houses of Light Church by calling (818) 998-2931. Or you can visit the website at www.HousesOfLight.net. Messages are being posted on the site.

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21. March 2009 by Annette Colon-Alvarenga.

“But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are. . .” 1 Corinthians 1:27-28

Paul was writing to the church at Corinth because the church did not seem to break from the culture of the world, where their Greek culture praised human wisdom and human strength. Paul could just as well be writing to the church today. Not much has changed in the church in the last 2000 years. It is still difficult for many to understand that human wisdom and human strength are not what God looks to or needs when he calls us to his service. Rather, through the process of purification/sanctification, these two things need to be broken down and put away so that we can rely on God’s wisdom and God’s strength to do the work He has called us to.

Personally, this is something I have struggled with for years - resisting the Holy Spirit’s attempts to break down these barriers that keep me stagnant in my walk with the Lord and my desire to fulfill my calling. In reality, understanding that I don’t have be a pillar of strength at every turn is almost a relief; and knowing that my own strength is not even necessary to accomplish God’s purposes is an even bigger relief. After all, what better than to be able to rely on His strength to get us through?

He calls me to set aside my intellect. I never thought that being well educated could have some drawbacks. While it is extremely helpful and and absolutely necessary in the world we live in today, it means nothing in the Kingdom of God. The only way we can accomplish anything to advance God’s purposes in our lives and to touch those in need of a savior is through the wisdom we can receive from God.

We need to permit that our spirit, that may still be tied to the culture of the world, be broken so that the Spirit of God can begin to mold us to the culture of the Kingdom. Therein, God’s wisdom and God’s strength will propel us to fulfilling the calling on our lives.

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