18. June 2009 by Annette Colon-Alvarenga.

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“. . . because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”   The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.” Romans 8:14-16

I have read this verse of Scripture over and over and over again during the last 11 years. And while it is an incredible promise, I had never really been able to make it quite mine – until now.

Last month my father, who lives in Arizona, announced that he was coming by for a visit. While a normal reaction after not seeing him for more than two years would have been feeling joyous, I immediately felt my anxiety level begin to rise. As his date of arrival approached, my mood changed dramatically. I became angry and frustrated.

My father and I have had a difficult relationship. My parents divorced when I was about 8 years old. Living with him was very difficult as he was the by-product of a very strict upbringing and he wanted to exert the same type of dictatorship in our home. While my mother and brother suffered at his actions and words, I mainly suffered watching how they were affected. My main role was always to be as good as possible, always walking on egg shells, so as not to cause any negative reaction from him. Their divorce was, as far as I was concerned, a great relief.

Some years after the divorce, my father would move out of state. I was sure to send him his cards for father’s day, his birthday and Christmas. I would make efforts to visit him out of state. I tried very hard to please him, to be daddy’s girl. Eventually I would feel that, despite my efforts, none of what I did was ever good enough. As the years have passed, the visits have been much less frequent and initiated by him rather than me.

My relationship with my heavenly Father has been somewhat frustrating as well. I have always understood that He is my heavenly father. The problem has been separating Him from what I have known as “father.” Yes, even after hearing sermon after sermon relating to this, I have been walking on egg shells for about the last 5 years trying to please God. And each time I mess things up or fall short of my own expectations, I end up frustrated for not being “good enough.” And the concept of seeing God as “Abba Father” and truly capturing the essence of what that means in my relationship to Him has been somewhat incomprehensible. I remember sitting in a bible study and listening attentively as a friend of mine described her relationship with her father and the impact that has had in her relationship with God; her ability to come that close to God so as to touch His cloak. I’ve always envied that about her because as hard as I’ve tried, I’ve never been able to feel that I can come that close to Him.

My father’s visit was cut short. He decided to return home sooner than expected as he has not been well. After saying our good-byes, I had to come to terms with the fact that I still held some serious resentment towards my father, as well as feelings of rejection and inadequacy that resulted from our relationship. I realized that my constant struggle with striving for perfection (and the constant disappointment in never achieving it) has been a direct result of my apparent need of his acceptance. And then I realized how my relationship with him and all of the resulting feelings have had a tremendous impact on my personal relationship with God as my Father.

I have also had time to reflect on the tremendous amount of love, mercy and grace my heavenly Father has showered me with over the years. He has covered me and protected me. He has shown me an incredible amount of favor, especially when I have not deserved it. He has set me apart and has placed His seal on me authenticating me as His child (2 Cor. 1:21-22). He has accepted me as His daughter just as I am. I am good enough for Him, not because of who I am, but because of who He is. I can with all confidence draw near to him and call him “Abba.” And I am, by all definitions, Daddy’s girl.

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10. June 2009 by Annette Colon-Alvarenga.

“Whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did.” 1 John 2:6

My 8 year old son recently began attending a cell group (Bible study). Each week they are given a verse of scripture to memorize. I am absolutely amazed at how quickly he is able to memorize the scripture verses. He looks at it only once or twice and it becomes engraved in his memory.

As we drove home after his study this past Saturday, I asked him what verse he had to memorize for next week and he told me 1 John 2:6. He opened up his Bible and by the time we got home (less than ten minutes), he had it memorized. Once we got home I said to him, “let’s look at your Bible and see what that means.” He quickly became frustrated and said “I’ve already memorized it. That’s enough!”

I thought about my son’s reaction and realized how we Christians tend to react the same way he did when we are asked to look a little more deeply to what the Word of God tells us about how we are to live our lives or when we are confronted with, perhaps, conduct unbecoming of what our character should be. A knee-jerk reaction for some is “I go to church on Sunday. I read my Bible. That’s enough!” Like my 8 year old, we sometimes receive the Word in our minds, but not in our hearts.

The last couple of Sundays in church we have been studying the Beatitudes, you know, “blessed are the poor in spirit . . . blessed are those who mourn . . . blessed are the meek . . .,” etc. I’ve read these verses many times over the years and even had to memorize the entire “Beatitudes” for a class last year, but it seems that until last week I had received the words in my mind and had never taken them to heart. But that first Sunday these verses brought me great conviction. While a lady sitting behind me was agreeing aloud with all the pastor said, saying “Amen,” “glory to God,” clapping at all the right times and laughing at his jokes, I sank down in my seat quietly fighting back the knot that had developed in my throat and the tears I couldn’t seem to keep from streaming down my face. (I think I am going to start minimizing my use of mascara on Sunday mornings.)

The Beatitudes took on a new meaning for me that Sunday. The Beatitudes are, as far as I can understand, the essence of what every Christian must look like. They are as a whole the embodiment of Christian character. I was so convicted because while I can claim that one or two traits are a part of my own character, I am very much lacking in others. In a prior blog I stated that if I could ask Jesus for one thing it would be to be able to love as He did. And I realized that  Sunday that the reason I have not been able to “walk as Jesus did,” to have the compassion he had, to simply live my life fully, is because I lack the character traits set out in the Beatitudes. See, it’s not a matter of being able to manifest one or two characteristics. Rather, it’s about Christians manifesting all of the characteristics.

While these traits do not come naturally (at least not to me), if Jesus gives them to us it is because we can apply them to our lives, so that we may live them out and so that we may practice them daily. If we claim that we “live in him” then we “must walk as Jesus did.” And it is through grace that we will, if we allow the Word to enter our hearts, develop the characteristics of Christ-likeness and live as the blessed of God.

P.s. I’m learning some things about how God sees my behavior (as His “child”) when I pay some attention to the childish behavior of my 8 year old. Yikes!

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